I couldn’t do it

Today I had an appointment with the diabetic clinic.

I was expecting to get told off for not managing to keep my blood sugar level down, I was dreading being told that I would have to take insulin. I have a phobia of needles. Over the years I have got used to having needles stuck into me for injections or blood tests but  I am unable to stick them in to myself. I have learnt that I cannot even do a finger prick test on myself. I have no problem with someone else doing it. Oh ok maybe that isn’t quite true, I do still get nervous and dread the moment but if I am not looking it’s bearable.

I can play with the pen like needle no problem but as soon as I put it against my finger I suddenly lose the ability to press the button. I get myself so worked up that my blood pressure shoots up and I feel unwell.

So when the diabetic nurse told me that they don’t feel insulin would be right for me I breathed a big sigh of relief. A relief that was short lived. Next she told me that they want me to use a different type of medication, something I had never heard of before.

I am to take Bydureon, which will be administered by weekly injection. My new regime begins in a week when I have a half hour appointment to go through it all with the nurse. I can’t say that I am happy about this but I figure that one injection weekly is better than I had expected. There is no way that I will be able to do this myself  though.  I walked out of that room feeling a little glum but otherwise ok.

This didn’t last though as by the time I reached my car I was beginning to feel unwell, nausea was beginning to set in. I couldn’t think why I was feeling poorly all of a sudden until it occurred to me that it was possibly shock setting in. Driving to work I noticed a sharp pain in the top of my head. Arriving at the office I was almost (but not quite) in tears. It turns out that several of my colleagues are practised in giving injections of this nature so I have been assured that I will be looked after.

This evening I was discussing this with Owl and he has said that he will be happy to do this for me. It was when he said ‘you would do the same for me’ that I started thinking about this. It may seem selfish but no I couldn’t do that. I know that the answer should be yes I would but I know without the slightest doubt that there is no way I could stick a needle into anyone else any more than I could do it to myself.

I know that if it was imperative to give someone I love an injection, I should be able to do so. I should be able to do this because I love them. Why can I not do this if I love them?

Is there anything you wouldn’t be able to do even for someone you love?

Do you find yourself in a situation where you have to do something, that you find difficult, to help a loved one?

 

update

I have now had 4 of these injections, the first administered by the practice nurse, the following two weeks I was helped by colleagues but with the holiday period being here I had to accept that my husband would do this for me this week. Out of the four injections so far the only one that has hurt was the one given by the nurse. They do sting afterwards but don’t hurt at the time, even so I still find myself getting stressed before the injection. I am sure in time it will get easier.

Awarded

A few weeks ago the lovely Debbie from Hoodscoop03 nominated me for an award. I am sorry it has taken me a while to get around to passing it on.

This award is for being part of the WordPress Family.

Since I began using WordPress a few years ago and yes I know this blog is less than a year old, I have met numerous lovely people through their blogs. In an online sense that is.

Here are a few of my WordPress Family who also deserve this award.

Let Out to play This lady has a great sense of humour and takes wonderful photos

Appletonavenue This lady has not had it easy but she never gives up even when she feels she can’t go. I  just want to hug this lady and take away all her difficulties.

Relaxandfloatdownstream A breath of fresh air.

Breezy Books Maddie Cochere author of Susan Hunter Mysteries

more words

update on  progress

I didn’t get as much writing done as I wanted over the weekend.

I also wanted to transfer what I had written on the ibook to my pc but the only way to do this was to rewrite it so that has taken some time but I did also edit it as I went along.

Weasels  =  4407

Slugs   =  1655

Helen  = 1289

Running Total  = 7351

Magic

So here are a few of today’s songs from the golden hour on our local radio, can you guess the year from these?

first there was this which of course I remember as if it were yesterday

Then we had this little piece of magic to which I sang along effortlessly

I won’t go through the whole hour but it was completed with one of my favourite stars of the time. My friends and I all adored David Essex.

I have been feeling a bit depressed this week.

On Wednesday I had an appointment at the hospital to see the anaesthetist who feels that I am fit for surgery and will recommend this to my surgeon. On the upside he did describe me as ‘slightly overweight’ I guess it is all relative and he said I am young. I told him I like him 🙂

This week I shall be back at the hospital for an MRI scan followed a few hours later by my first mammogram. Neither of which I am looking forward to. I had my only ever panic attack during my first MRI scan. The second was a better experience, both of these were way back in 2001.

I am now awaiting the letters giving me dates for my pre op consultation followed by my op. (Nothing major just something that requires either an epidural or a general).

Anyone who knows me will be aware that I love my job, except lately it has been getting harder to be enthusiastic. We are going through a period of transition and it is making our job very difficult and quite disheartening, Yet our manager has high expectations that are not always possible to attain.

On the upside I did apparently manage to impress the ISO auditor who sat by my desk on Friday (whilst I was feeling unwell) so that I could explain our processes to him, so that put a smile on my face.

Yesterday Owl and I went down to the beach. This is the first time I have attempted to upload a video to Youtube.

see it here

Secrets of No 15 is making progress although slow this last week, I have not been in the zone for various reasons. However I have had an offer to edit what I have written at a discounted price. Thanks sweetheart 🙂

The last piece of magic is that we have new visitors to our garden, Mr and Mrs blackbird have been visiting in the last few days.

Words

I have been keeping track of the word count on my debut book but until now hadn’t given a lot of thought as to what my final word count target should be.

I have begun following this blogBreezy Books I found this post quite amusing. I’ll be dead by then

It got me thinking about my word count so here goes

Title

Secrets of No 15  

Chapters as they currently stand

Helen   1259

Slugs   1419

Weasels   3864

running total  6542

Now if I set myself a target of 80000

That leaves me with  73458 words still to write

If I am to submit my work for this competition Richard and Judy search for a Best Seller I need to get writing to get the first 10.000 words completed in time .The deadline being 1st January realistically means before Christmas.

I shall endeavour to post an update of my progress weekly.

 

Here is a taster of what I have written so far:

 

Billy arrives at The Cricketers in an flap.
‘Hi Matt, sorry I’m a bit late, you would never guess in a million years what just
happened to me.’
‘Ok tell me but first what are you drinking? First round is on me.’
‘Umm I’ll have a pint of, no I can’t, it’ll have to be orange and lemonade heavy on the
ice please Jack.’
‘What ever is the matter with you drinking that on a Saturday?’
‘It’s only because I dropped Jake off in Chichester, and as it’s still raining I decided not
to take the car home first especially as I was already running late.’
‘Never mind you’re here now, sure you won’t have a half?’
‘No best not, Katie would kill me if I did.’
‘You could always leave your car here you dolt.’
‘Ok ok I know but I don’t fancy walking back today, any other day I would as you know.
I usually do walk. I might add.’
‘There’s an old couple sat in our normal corner shall we sit by the front window and
watch the idiots walking their dogs in the rain.’
The pair move over to a round table beside one of the four large bay windows
overlooking the village green.
‘What was it you were going to tell me?’

“What? When? I thought you had something to tell me.’

‘I do but that can wait, what were you going to tell me before I interrupted you with my
generous offer to buy you a drink.’
“Was I?’
‘Yes you were Billy, what is up with you today, you came in all excited saying I
wouldn’t guess what had happened to you. So?’
‘Oh um I don’t think it could have been that the weasels are having their practice in our
garage. Or that I had to take Jake in to town to meet up with some of his school mates.
Ah yes that was it. On the way here after dropping Jake off that’s when it happened.’

‘You got the weasels practising in your garage how did they sound now? Danny says
they are playing a gig at school on Friday in their lunch break, 50p entrance.’
‘I don’t think the band get any of that, it all goes into the school fund. I think half goes
towards new music equipment and the rest goes into the school charity fund. Any way
that was why I was late, I had to stop and call the police. Do you know how difficult it is
to get through to the right person to tell them to be quick. You get asked all these
questions about who you are and where you are. Heavens if it had been a real emergency
everyone would be dead before they got off the phone even.’
‘So what happened? Why did you need to call the police?’
‘peacocks.’
‘What do you mean peacocks?’
‘Oh come on Matt you do know what they are don’t you?’
‘Of course I do, but what about them?’
‘In the road, two of them calm as you like just walking about in the road, never mind the
traffic. That’s why I stopped put my hazards on and called the police. Had to wait for
them to arrive, that’s why I was late.’
‘Where did they come from?’
‘I don’t know they weren’t talking peacocks so I couldn’t ask them’

‘Very funny ha ha, did the police have any idea?’
“Nope but they were calling RSPCA to collect them before they come to any harm, then
they were going to call all the big houses in the area to see if they knew anything.’

Trust

This not the kind of thing I would usually write about on here. Today I am making an exception.

Trust is a very important part of a marriage.

As much as I love my husband and will do whatever I can to support him in anything he does.

He broke my trust within months of us getting married.

In the past week he lost his driving license due to drinking then driving. He didn’t drink much just two pints but two pints meant he was twice the legal limit. It was the second time in a matter of weeks that he had been arrested for the same crime. Lucky for him the first time he was only 2 points over the limit so he was let off with a lecture. He didn’t learn the lesson.

For 20 years I lived with and was married to an alcoholic, I knew he was a drinker but tried to make it work, it didn’t. However in all the years we were  together he never made a secret of his drinking.

My current husband drinks secretly.

If I had known I wouldn’t have married him, only an idiot puts themselves back into a bad situation after escaping the original one.

I didn’t know and I did marry him. I do still love him but I don’t trust him. I am not about to walk out on him just yet, I will give it my best shot to make it work but at this moment I do not trust him. He will have to work very hard to win back my trust if he wants to keep me.

He has been offered professional help to reduce his alcohol consumption
I don’t have a problem with taking him for the occasional pint but I won’t encourage him by offering.
What I do have a problem with is him drinking in secret

last night he decided to go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air> this was a little odd as he had come out with me earlier in the day but had spent most of the time in the car as his legs were not strong enough to stay on them for long. Anyway he went out, but returned 2 minutes later as he had no cash in his pocket.

‘you don’t need cash for a walk around the block.’

‘I like to have cash in my pocket.’

‘you don’t need cash unless you are going to buy vodka’

‘I just like to have cash in my pocket and I am not getting vodka, stop saying that.’

He then went out.

He wasn’t gone very long, we had dinner and watched tv, he went upstairs about  10.30pm and didn’t return. When I went to bed he was in his office with the door shut.  I thought about going in to say I was going to bed but decided against it. When I woke up at 3am he still wasn’t in bed so I went to find him. He was still in the office but lying on the floor. He had no explanation, I did ask if he had fallen again. He said no, he would come to bed in a minute.

I finally heard him come to bed at 4.50am. He then started a conversation that showed he had no idea of the time or any memory of the previous evening. (Skater had brought a friend home to stay, for the first time. )

I asked him about why he had been lying on the floor he didn’t know but he said that the clock had moved to a different wall. The pinboard had moved to  a different wall. His computer had also moved to a different wall.

When I got up this morning the first thing I did was go into his office to search for the bottle.

I found it almost immediately in the inside pocket of his jacket. There was also a pile of wet clothes on the floor.

I can cope with him drinking if I know that is what he is doing, heavens I am used to dealing with the aftermath of drink.

It is the lies that hurt and make me both angry and sad.

update

2 good things have come out of this.

a) I have had a lot of supportive messages from family and friends who have read this. It has made me realise how much I miss my friends.

Sadly in the year or so since we moved here none of us have made new friends apart from a few people at our favourite pub but as we no-longer go there or at least not recently, it is time to make new friends.

b)Today I have made the decision to join a club or society. I have looked online and found the local writers circle. I have just sent an email and hopefully I shall be able to join this group and fulfil 2 needs at once.

Fireworks and storms

Last night I had just got in from dropping Skater at the station. I had heard the voices and laughter in the darkness and wondered what was afoot. I was in our kitchen at the back of the house when it began. We have been hearing bangs and whooshes on and off for the last week or so. It is the same every year. Fireworks night seems to go on for about 2 or 3 weeks.

But this was different. At first I thought it was from one of the back gardens a few doors away, soon I realised this was at the front of the house coming from the green across the road. This was no 5 minute wonder. I made my way up to the spare room that I have claimed as my office/laundry room. Opening the vertical blinds and kneeling on the bed I began to watch this amazing display of colour and sound. I could make out a group of shadowy figures moving around with lights I can only assume strapped their heads. This was a well organised display, the people lighting the fireworks obviously knew what they were doing. There was barely a break between each firework. This display continued seamlessly for more than half an hour. It wasn’t until I joined Owl watching from his office window that I saw the group of spectators standing a safe distance from the display.

I don’t know who these people were and as it was only a small gathering on public land I can only assume it was a group of friends/family who had got together. They must have spent a small fortune to put this together. Whoever they are I applaud them.

This morning sitting in bed with my cup of tea, kindly brought to me by my husband I was reading my short story magazine that I have started buying for inspiration purposes. I read a story about a storm which reminded me of a short story I wrote 5 or 6 years ago.

I have decided to post it here as a small treat for you.

Silently

Waking he finds the empty space beside him where she had lain as she fell asleep wrapped in his arms. He knows she has not long left his side; there is still the residue of her warmth emanating from the sheet that still carries the scent of her. Turning his face into her pillow he breathes in the faint reminder that she was here recently. Silently he arises from the pale blue king sized bed, padding across the deep cream pile he moves through the door. It is not long before his eyes rest on her silhouette. He stands for a moment or two as he watches her. He knows why she is there, he knows what she is looking at, he has heard it too.

Another crash and the room around him becomes illuminated for a split second. He watches her as she stands there all alone watching the storm as it makes its wild and beautiful way across the bay towards them. This is another thing they share this love of the wild weather. They are so lucky to be so close to the beach, the storms that race across the ocean towards the land like this are always the best. From where he stands he can hear the waves crashing on the shingle so close yet still a safe distance away. He marvels at her serenity as she stands there with the wind and rain whipping at her.

He knows that taste of salt as the rain runs in tiny rivulets down her face and the tails of her hair as the water drips from the end of her soft brown curls. He can imagine the tiny beads of moisture resting on her eye lashes as she stands oblivious in her fascination. Slowly he moves forward until he reaches out his hand to her naked shoulder. Gripping her softly but firmly, she turns her head to look at him as he slides his free arm around her cold waist drawing her back into the warmth of his body, sheltering her from the chill that will soon have her shivering. He places her black silk wrap, which he had carried with him, upon her shoulders.

He kisses her neck and shoulder before he moves to stand slightly behind and to the side of her with his arm still around her.

‘I knew you would come.’ She whispers,

‘ how could I miss such a beautiful sight’ his soft heartfelt reply.

He means this beautiful creature he thinks of as his soul mate as much as the storm. The combination of both delight and arouse him so that he swiftly lifts her in his strong arms carrying her to the fur rug beside the gas fire, they can still see the storm through the Picture window that he now closes. The room suddenly silent, now that the weather has been shut out once again. Mutely he collects a fluffy cream towel from the Airing cupboard. Testing the warmth against his face he returns to his sweetheart. Removing the slip of black silk from her skin he gently dries her as she gazes into his eyes. Her attention now fully on him, she watches as he pours two chilled glasses of champagne from the now empty bottle from last night.

A toast ‘to a beautiful woman on a wild stormy night’

‘to my handsome, sexy hero who knows me so well’

 

***********

Talking of storms we seemed to have survived Monday’s St Jude storm relatively unscathed. I have seen some damaged trees but otherwise nothing much.  How did you fare (if you are in Southern UK)