In a few months I shall hit that milestone birthday the big Six O. For nearly 40 years I have been running my own household.
For the last 4 weeks my mother has been in hospital with a broken ankle.
I know that being stuck in hospital with not much to do leaves a lot of time to over think things.
When I visited her the other day she asked me how I am coping being on my own running the house. She asks if I have enough money, am I eating enough.
On the radio a little while ago I heard the words of the great Billy Joel. He says exactly how I’m feeling.
This is my life, just leave me alone. For years I have wished that I lived alone. One day that will happen but not until my mother eventually goes into a nursing home.
In the meantime let me enjoy these weeks of living to my own timetable. I can eat what I want when I want. I can do what I want without keeping an eye on the clock (except for visiting time).
I know that no matter my age my mother will always think of me as her little girl. I know how hard it was for her when she thought she would lose me to cancer but that was 20 years ago.
All my life I have felt that my mother is disappointed in me. She says that isn’t so, but it’s how I have felt. It doesn’t help when she talks to me as though I am a child who has to be supervised at all times. I know that isn’t what she thinks.
In hospital she complains to me that the staff talk to the patients as though they are children.
I don’t know how that feels … Much!
Getting everything organised for when my mother comes home has been exhausting, especially as my energy levels are still so very low. I am enjoying being able to pretend that this is my life for a while at least.