Trust

This not the kind of thing I would usually write about on here. Today I am making an exception.

Trust is a very important part of a marriage.

As much as I love my husband and will do whatever I can to support him in anything he does.

He broke my trust within months of us getting married.

In the past week he lost his driving license due to drinking then driving. He didn’t drink much just two pints but two pints meant he was twice the legal limit. It was the second time in a matter of weeks that he had been arrested for the same crime. Lucky for him the first time he was only 2 points over the limit so he was let off with a lecture. He didn’t learn the lesson.

For 20 years I lived with and was married to an alcoholic, I knew he was a drinker but tried to make it work, it didn’t. However in all the years we were  together he never made a secret of his drinking.

My current husband drinks secretly.

If I had known I wouldn’t have married him, only an idiot puts themselves back into a bad situation after escaping the original one.

I didn’t know and I did marry him. I do still love him but I don’t trust him. I am not about to walk out on him just yet, I will give it my best shot to make it work but at this moment I do not trust him. He will have to work very hard to win back my trust if he wants to keep me.

He has been offered professional help to reduce his alcohol consumption
I don’t have a problem with taking him for the occasional pint but I won’t encourage him by offering.
What I do have a problem with is him drinking in secret

last night he decided to go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air> this was a little odd as he had come out with me earlier in the day but had spent most of the time in the car as his legs were not strong enough to stay on them for long. Anyway he went out, but returned 2 minutes later as he had no cash in his pocket.

‘you don’t need cash for a walk around the block.’

‘I like to have cash in my pocket.’

‘you don’t need cash unless you are going to buy vodka’

‘I just like to have cash in my pocket and I am not getting vodka, stop saying that.’

He then went out.

He wasn’t gone very long, we had dinner and watched tv, he went upstairs about  10.30pm and didn’t return. When I went to bed he was in his office with the door shut.  I thought about going in to say I was going to bed but decided against it. When I woke up at 3am he still wasn’t in bed so I went to find him. He was still in the office but lying on the floor. He had no explanation, I did ask if he had fallen again. He said no, he would come to bed in a minute.

I finally heard him come to bed at 4.50am. He then started a conversation that showed he had no idea of the time or any memory of the previous evening. (Skater had brought a friend home to stay, for the first time. )

I asked him about why he had been lying on the floor he didn’t know but he said that the clock had moved to a different wall. The pinboard had moved to  a different wall. His computer had also moved to a different wall.

When I got up this morning the first thing I did was go into his office to search for the bottle.

I found it almost immediately in the inside pocket of his jacket. There was also a pile of wet clothes on the floor.

I can cope with him drinking if I know that is what he is doing, heavens I am used to dealing with the aftermath of drink.

It is the lies that hurt and make me both angry and sad.

update

2 good things have come out of this.

a) I have had a lot of supportive messages from family and friends who have read this. It has made me realise how much I miss my friends.

Sadly in the year or so since we moved here none of us have made new friends apart from a few people at our favourite pub but as we no-longer go there or at least not recently, it is time to make new friends.

b)Today I have made the decision to join a club or society. I have looked online and found the local writers circle. I have just sent an email and hopefully I shall be able to join this group and fulfil 2 needs at once.

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4 comments on “Trust

  1. Terrible way to find out. Hope he bets help to sort it out. Trust will take a long long time build back up.

  2. Thanks Mart he now knows how I feel and that he is going to have to work hard to get my trust back.

  3. Debbie says:

    Will be including you in my thoughts and prayers this week. Hang in there.

  4. Vincent says:

    I knew someone who matches your description, about 25 years ago. He was a work colleague and became a good friend. He’d been chucked out by his wife and kids. He was sincerely trying to reform. We used to go on long walks at lunch time to help him avoid the pubs. But when the binge mood took him it dominated. He’d just go off more or less abruptly. One time he said, “You can leave me here,” went into the pub just our lunch-time walk was ending. I found him unconscious next morning on the office floor, remembering nothing.

    LIR, you are quite right that this is a very serious matter indeed. It’s as much a divorcing matter as a sordid affair with a tart, if less insulting to yourself. It’s a total betrayal of your marriage contract, and very distressing. I can’t say I know you but I kind of get the gist of what’s happened to you over these past few years. You are absolutely right that the lying, the breaking of trust, that’s the crucial thing.

    It’s clear that you are inclined to forgive and patch it up, because that corresponds to your own desire and need, your own history. But in view of his lying and concealment there is no basis for you to help him, no hope that any ultimatum you issue will strike home with him. To someone like this, your continued love and support will be received as tacit approval for his transgression. Perhaps the binge behaviour hits him only once in a while but the point is that he lets it happen despite the bonds of trust that are supposed to exist between you.

    It may sound desperately harsh, and you might want to reject what I’m suggesting outright, but I think you should move out immediately, or chuck him out, depending on whose property it is. When the seriousness has sunk in, and he realizes you mean it, you have to make sure he stays totally off drink totally for six months before you’ll reconsider the matter. I think there are ways this can be rigorously tested so long as there’s co-operation from the person afflicted. And of course if the co-operation breaks down, the six months have to start all over again. And use injunctions as necessary.

    All this to be put in place from love, not hate. And if he doesn’t accept this, shake your life free of him, as soon as possible. You deserve better.

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